What If I Am Not Ready?

What if I am not ready yet? Well, who says you have to be?

This is not an article on how to do things better or more efficiently. In fact, this is your sign to stop doing so much and take a step back. If you haven’t done a little reflection in a minute this might be the time, or it could not be. 

I noticed that even when I had time to do the things I said I wanted to do I was still choosing to do something else that was less helpful. An example that some others may relate to - I said I wanted to exercise more but when I come home I sit and watch tv while eating potato chips. I would then get angry at myself around bedtime because I wasted another day, further proving to myself that I cannot seem to do anything correctly. I have never been the kind of person that just gets up one day and decides to change their life. I want slow and steady, small enough changes that I can barely notice are even there. However, the problem with that is, whenever I would want change, the change itself had to be big and bold and sexy enough for me to be “inspired” and “motivated”. What the hell was my problem? I was seemingly willing to do anything and everything except for the one or two things I KNEW I needed to do.

I had trouble building consistency in certain areas of my life but when I looked at the big picture I noticed I wasn’t terrible at building consistency across the board. I, somehow, excelled at building consistency in areas of my life where avoiding them would actually be better. I was a fantastic smoker, olympic medalist at eating junk food, I could win a medal for being on my phone and watching tv. I could win a prize for how many shitty men I entertained even after they showed me their true colors, a phenomenal doormat for “friends’ who never cared about me. I was only terrible at building consistency with things that I didn’t want to do. I couldn’t seem to build consistency with exercise, proper nutrition, paying attention to my financial health, showing up to events instead I would cancel at the last minute. 

Well, I have proof that I can build consistency. I simply have to change what the consistency is geared toward. How do I change my view on something so that it became what I wanted to do? I had to reprogram how I looked at my life and what certain tasks felt like. I finally started coming to the conclusion that this whole “what does that say about me as a person” thing needed to be chucked out the window. I was avoiding certain tasks because what are people going to say, what does this say about me as a person in general, I am going to look stupid, this is not going to work. You are correct, now go do it anyway. I proved to myself over the last 10 years that being on my phone, especially on social media, was not giving me a good return on investment. I was more anxious than ever and yet I was so addicted to scrolling I couldn’t stop. Can’t stop won’t stop!

I knew I needed to start exercising more but it was always presented to me as some sort of punishment for eating things I enjoyed. I knew I needed to pay more attention to what I was eating but it was as if I was blacking out and only returning into consciousness after I already started eating the terribly delicious croissant. I only recognized my promise of no sugar after half the donut was in my stomach. I only noticed that I could head to the gym when it was closing in 15 minutes. I only noticed that I could have spent time reading when my eyes are closing anyway and I can’t bear to keep them open any longer.

This was coming from someone who claimed to care about her health and thought I had high standards. While I did care about my health conceptually I had no idea how to do it physically. I was not used to building consistency in that part of my life. Perhaps I could argue that part of the problem stemmed from shame around my body and looks combined with a modelling of life that was less than healthy when I was younger. This is not to be excused but also it had come to my attention that now I was an adult who was blessed enough to have full agency over my body and mind. A privilege that not everyone has. It was time to change the way things were. In order to change it requires a lot of energy and you are only given a finite amount each day. 

I had never really seen consistency in terms of health and nutrition. The times that it had been modeled to me came from those that seemed a bit more shallow on the outside, the kind of person who panicked if they had to put whole milk in their coffee because there was no 1%, the kind who made it known to everyone around them how they are on some new health kick. I was immediately looked down upon for eating something delicious because they wanted to flex how they could never put that in their body. Nutrition and health seemed like a competition. I didn’t have the mental fortitude to join yet another challenge when I was already dealing with so much. 

What if, when something is presented to you, it is not merely an invitation to begin this very moment? What if this idea being offered to you is simply an invitation to begin thinking about what it would look like if you fit it into your life. Do you even have the time, the effort, the energy, the money, the resources, the access to said resources, a support system, etc. Just because something is presented to you does not mean it is a good fit. If someone is telling you this is the only way, the fastest way, the most efficient way - it is possible but who cares? Sometimes when people on the internet say “one day I woke up and decided that enough was enough” they may not tell you the whole story. Going through any big change requires a lot of effort and will prove difficult. If you do not have a strong foundation perhaps it is better to start building a stronger foundation than to keep building on top of shambles. 

Take your time, there is no rush. It may seem like there is a rush but at the end of the day if you are not able to fully commit to something then just accept maybe right now is not the time. Accept that in this point in your life you are only capable of so much and allow yourself to breathe a little bit. You are allowed to take some time and go slow and not keep up with people around you. You are allowed to recognize this is not the time to start something new but in fact work on taking a step back and making more space to sit and think about things. It is okay for something to be offered to you and you are allowed to say not right now or a simple no. The people who want to say something about you will always say something and the people who care about you will not be rude. Most people are too busy with their own problems to even pay attention.