Did I Make the Right Decision?

How do I know I made the right decision by cutting this person off? Because even after all the time we spent together, all the memories, all the laughs, there are days, sometimes weeks, I don’t think about them, miss them or want to talk to them. When I see their name pop up on my phone I am not interested in picking up. Sometimes when something happens I think for a second that I want to tell this person and then realize it would be better left unsaid. When speaking with them about literally anything I had to police my words, be very careful of how I choose to tell them things and even then there was always an issue. 

I brought up, many times, that it can be very exhausting to have to live this way only to be told that it seemed to be a personal problem. Oftentimes when I let something out they laughed and told me it wasn’t a big deal and it was nothing serious. I was told I was being dramatic. I was always the issue but the second I tried to hold them accountable for their actions I was told I was attacking them and vilifying them. I never wanted to break this off and yet the exhaustion I felt from fighting wasn’t worth my sanity. Depleting all of my energy to please this person only to be met with disappointment was the hardest thing I had ever experienced in my life. How much more could I possibly give?

Sometimes anger is the only emotion that will show up, it is not necessary for me to shame myself for feeling angry. Anger over the betrayal, refusal to accept me for who I am even though I chose to accept all of your “bad” or “inconvenient” qualities. Everything started to make me angry and the worst part is that it happened so often I couldn’t even tell I was angry. This just became a natural state of me. Over time, when the initial anger subsided it helped to figure out what triggered me so badly and why it triggered me as much as it did. A lot of my anger was rooted around “how could this person do this to me” and “well, what does that say about me”. Over time, very messily and up and down, I came to the conclusion that it said less about me and more about them. If you know you know. No matter what I did it wouldn’t have been enough because no one is ever meant to meet those standards. 

That person didn’t meet those standards by a mile and that was likely the reason this person is so miserable. I suppose misery does love company, instead of admitting it is very hard to accomplish these things for themselves, the hopes, dreams, demands, everything was pushed on me. I was looked at as a failure for not being able to measure up to their standards even after they proved to themselves it was close to impossible to meet them. I still feel the lingering anger, it comes in waves on some days. Some days I experience joy like no other, a joy I had never experienced when this person was in my life in such a large capacity. That is how I know I made the right decision, the joy I feel in their absence is better than anything they could ever provide. Even when people tell me to my face I made a mistake, I can see how that says something about them not me. I made my decisions and I am happy about them. 

You may not be ready yet but sometimes the best thing to do for your soul is to make the difficult decision to cut someone off.