Letting Go and Moving On

I read from a marketing coach of mine about the garbage post challenge. It can be inconsistent and there are no rules, only that words need to be on paper. Who cares about rules anymore when the world we live in is a result of said rules? Online someone shared about showering in the dark because they can’t stand to see their body with full light on, another ran the dishwasher twice because getting out of bed to scrub dishes was going to be the death of her. While I care about sustainability of the planet and using less resources I also believe that the people affected the most from the world powers’ decisions to burn the world to the ground for their own comfort are not the ones to blame for living in this society in the first place. I decided to eat out of tupperware containers because I couldn’t bear to do the dishes. 

When it comes to posting things on the internet, particularly longer pieces of writing I always thought it had to be flawless impeccable writing that made the masses think about life in a new perspective. Funny enough the most engagement I got on a post was not the profound ones where I had some big words to say contemplating life through the lens of philosophy. The more engagement I received was on the one where I declared that giving up weed sucks. I went on to explain that while I know it is great for my mental and physical health and my well being in general, giving it up still sucked. I got a bunch of people to cheer me on, how sweet of them. 

After about 5 years of choosing to educate myself on social issues plaguing the nation, understanding nuance and how microaggressions affect certain populations more than others I was still surrounded by people who did not care. I came to the conclusion that this is not seen as a failure on my end. I can continue to chug along on my journey and at the same time, it would be incredibly foolish to believe that others would simply join me by being inspired. This morning someone told me that I should go back to my country. Not only did this not actually enrage me, it made me curious as to how someone in this day and age could say it out loud and genuinely believe it to be true. While I was taken aback and shocked I made a decision in that moment.

I am not going to perform anymore. No more nice little goody two shoes always in a good mood trying to make everyone else feel better. I grew up dancing and one thing I am good at more than anything else is giving a performance. The show must go on. No more. The performance is done and the raw version is coming out. She is finally ready to make her debut and while she may not know a lot of things, she has more courage and more heart and kindness than ever before. I am shedding the older versions of me while also giving tribute to those versions for allowing me to make it this far in life. 

I am done trying to gain affection from others by being super flexible and bending over backwards. I will remain as kind as I can be while also keeping my own dignity and caring about myself first. I am no longer interested in attempting to showcase my brilliance, especially in front of those who are simply ready to argue for arguing sake. I am finally okay to lose an argument and to be misunderstood. I am finally freeing myself of the perfection that stole years of my life and potentially shortened my life because I was told this was the only way to survive or excel. 

I am no longer interested in getting attention from others, not only from the wrong people but from people in general. Those who genuinely care about me will not need to be reminded to care or reach out; they just will, just as I do. I am no longer afraid of losing people, the door is right there and you are more than welcome to use it because I am not going to hold you hostage. 

I am incredibly blessed to have enough privilege and access to resources to come by this attitude. I am so blessed to have a support system that mostly is me, myself and I with a few other really great humans sprinkled throughout. I cannot change how others behave or choose to react. I cannot change others’ nature either. I am now, in a place in life, ready to accept that people are who they are and it is in my best nature to believe whatever version of themselves they show me. If they wanted to do something different, that is on them and it is not my responsibility to have another better kinder version to come out. It is quite liberating to leave it behind and move on with my life. I am not a martyr nor am I the punching bag or doormat. I am not responsible for others’ growth trajectory nor do I need to try and save anyone.

I am proud of who I am at this moment more than I have ever been. I am proud of where I am going and who I am transitioning into because this has not been an easy journey thus far. I may have a lot further to go but my foundation is finally solid and I couldn’t be happier. Cheers to those on similar journeys, shall we all prosper and move ahead.