Okay, I am in my thirties, now what?
I thought the beginning of my thirties would look different. I thought I would be out of the 9-5 life, I would be running my business online and galivanting around the world by now. I had all these plans and here I was, still at the same job, talking to the same people about my dreams and goals and sitting in the same apartment every single day hoping it would change. My late 20’s was an interesting period, I presume many have had a similar experience. I thought everything would magically start to work out for me and it would be smooth sailing. Then, all of sudden, or what I thought was all of a sudden, reality hit me, and I felt like I was trapped.
I didn’t have a spouse or children, I didn’t have a house, my job was nice but unfulfilling at the soul level, my friends were great but still I felt mediocre. I felt like everyone around me was on to bigger and better things and here I was trying to figure out what the hell to do to move forward. Sure, I had hobbies that I started to enjoy, I had nice friends to talk to, my coworkers were great, I had a good relationship with some family members. I still felt this overwhelming feeling of being stuck in a life that I didn’t feel I chase for myself but rather one that was kind of handed to me. I was living the life that my well meaning parents wanted me to live because it offered stability. Was stability enough? Was I really just a stick in the mud who was trying to convince herself that she could do better but really couldn’t?
The month before my 30th birthday I thought that my life would change for sure and I would magically be this different more polished version of myself who just knew things. I felt like I would finally look the way I wanted, have my personal style down pat, have the business and the boyfriend and the body and the joy that I deserved. I found myself waking up on my 30th birthday disappointed that my life thus far was not in fact a dream and here I was desperate to try and find a way to genuinely like the life I was living. I was so used to painting a smile on my face and moving on with my life that I didn’t realize how much of a performance my whole life had been.
I tragically lost a decade of my life trying to make myself a “better person” without really getting to the bottom of why I couldn’t seemingly get there. I looked at the people around me and wondered how they all managed to get their lives further on the progress scale than me. How was it possible that everyone around me was getting better jobs, getting married, having kids, buying houses, pursuing higher education, going on these fabulous trips and here I was living my own mundane life.
I suppose I hadn’t completely wasted a decade in that I had tried a few things, made peace with a few things, cut off people that definitely needed to be cut out and moved on from certain experiences that lived rent free in my head. Over time it started to occur to me that the same way I spent so much time being performative, others may also be experiencing the same situation. Perhaps it is that no one is talking about it and maybe they do not even realize it is happening. Everyone tells you that turning 30 is a big deal and perhaps it is. I certainly learned a lot in one year. I felt older and had just a tiny little bit of wisdom at 31 that I didn’t have at 30. Perhaps I was put in certain situations and experienced certain things in this one year that allowed me to open my eyes.
Maybe I was finally willing to put down and let go of some of my past that allowed my energy to go elsewhere. What an incredibly confusing time in my life. While it might be frustrating and often overwhelming, there is no chance to go back. I must forge past the inferiority complex, introduce alarming amounts of delusion and audacity and quite literally focus all of my energy on the things that will help me where I want to go. What a journey I have created for myself, should be a fun time. Join me as I move along this path.