Observation, Reflection and Discernment Saved My Life
On another episode of why the hell do I care so much about things that don’t really matter to me. From a young age we are told by authority figures what we should pay attention to and what is not as necessary. While it is important for survival and for growth to listen to those that we trust, there comes a point in adulthood where we realize that not everything we were told matters actually matters. How can we tell the difference? We must build discernment.
As I continue onward, I have noticed that the simple act of observation and reflection can oftentimes allow me to ground myself in what actually happened in a certain event. Perhaps it is difficult to recall all the details either because of abuse or our own inability to remember certain details. What I started to do, with the understanding that nothing super major was happening, was quietly writing a few words in my notes app on my phone as a reminder of what I wanted to remember later.
The more I started to write down events that I was experiencing the more I started to notice a pattern. When someone says certain words I tend to get triggered. When someone specific starts talking, I immediately get uncomfortable in ways that I wasn’t just a few minutes ago. The first few times I wrote down my interactions with others I didn’t think much of it. After about 10-15 experiences over the course of 2 months I started to find small patterns.
When someone specific would say something, I would get nervous, when certain words or topics were mentioned I would get triggered, when certain things might be said or certain people might show up I was already on edge. I started to recall what other behaviors I started to incorporate in my day and over time I started to notice the patterns and the ways I was playing a role in my own misery. I didn’t realize that before certain gatherings I would sabotage myself with stimulants and my anxiety would be off the wall. I would later blame it entirely on the event and the people I had to interact with but a part of it, at least, was caused by my excessive caffeine and sugar intake.
My heart rate was higher, my body was trying to adjust with being overstimulated and trying to regulate as best as I could in a room full of people I no longer felt comfortable around. The anticipation of what other people would say along with my inability to communicate properly. There were so many factors at play and it took a while with the method of journaling to be able to accurately depict the entire encounter.
Stick around and I can show you how to use lazy journaling methods to help you find some discernment through observation and reflection. Buckle up buttercup, it is going to be a helluva ride.