What In The Hell

If you are like me, you have made everything in your life really serious and you can’t figure out how it got to be this way. You are the goofiest person you know and yet everything is super serious anyway. On the other hand, you have absolutely no idea what the hell is going on and you have been hanging on by the same thread for the last ten years and each year it is a bit more frayed.

Maybe it seems like there is nothing to show for it or every single time you try to get just a bit closer to your goal something else happens and you are right where you started. Why the hell does this keep happening? Funny enough, in my twenties, I thought it was only me and I also happened to think that I knew everything. Then it hit me, not only do I not know anything I also don’t know where to start to get anything done.

I didn’t even know what I didn’t know so how can I ask someone else to help? What is a girl to do????? Panic and lay on the floor? Check. Doom scroll my phone seven hours a day? Check. Eat my feelings? Check. Isolate myself from the world and then panic even more? Check. What else is there left to do?

I used to think that I was going to be this person who finally “got her shit together” and from there on it would be smooth sailing. I wanted to be the kind of person who didn’t sweat the small stuff. HA. Absolutely not true at all in any sense. Even though I am doing a lot better than I was ten years ago there is still a lot that I cannot even fathom beginning or digging up because let’s face it your girl has fears.

Some of them are deep seeded fears and some are irrational, and they feel just the same in my brain. The biggest thing that I struggled with that I was in denial about was the idea of other people seeing me. This means I am vulnerable because now other people have the right to judge me publicly.

Meanwhile I didn’t understand those same people were judging me anyway just on a smaller scale and behind my back. At least, they were nice enough to do it behind my back so I didn’t have to hear it. I thought I was good at lying and performing and only showing good parts of me. Darling, they can see the not-so-great things they just don’t talk about it to your face.

Will she figure out how to deal with people talking shit about her? Will she finally get her shit together? Will she finally learn how to make a doctor’s appointment without spiraling out of control? Will she finally figure out how taxes work? Stay tunes and maybe you can find out :)

Well, this website is basically just a space for me to word vomit and maybe you find a little bit of advice here and there that works for you. If not, I hope I can entertain you a bit with my shenanigans and life lessons. Thanks for reading so far and stay tuned for the rest of this story!